Subbing with Mr. Awesome.

OK

2010-01-17T20:55:00.002-06:00

I'm going to be honest with you. I've started another blog. Follow the link to your right.

Sweet Relief

2009-06-05T10:13:00.004-05:00

I'm happy to report that Mr. Awesome has survived another arduous school year. Between all the novel reading and Internet browsing, not to mention the nearly constant blog updating, this substitute teacher is more than ready for two and a half months of vacation.

Remember to apply sunscreen 15 minutes before going in the water, and I'll see you back here in August, or October.

Still In Demand

2009-04-22T12:10:00.003-05:00

The Economy. People lose their jobs. Unemployment runs out. People apply to be substitute teachers.

I was a concerned that as more and more previously careered people turned to substitute teaching during their search for another good job, I might have a harder time consistently finding the quality sub jobs I have grown accustomed to. It hasn't happened.

I guess I forgot to take into account that not just any future executive can stand in front of a room of 35 St. Louis Public High School students without urgently needing to find a restroom. It takes a certain type of personality to make a great substitute teacher. You have to be able to settle for mediocrity. You have to accept that some things are just out of your hands. You also have to be able to hold your bladder until the bell rings.

Honestly, I think the infusion of recession subs into the St. Louis Public Schools has made me seem even better at my job in comparison. Teachers knows, that when Mr. Awesome watches their class, all the worksheets will be distributed, and they will come back to a clean classroom. What can a teacher expect when they leave substitue selection up to fate? Maybe they'll come back to find two inches of urine at the bottom of their trash can. Just ask Ms. Taylor, it happened.

Do your worst economy, Mr. Awesome is recession proof.

You Learn Something New Everyday

2009-03-30T09:09:00.002-06:00

I've learned alot in my years of substitute teaching. I've learned patience and techniques for diffusing difficult situations. I've learned what's popular with high school students and I've seen what really goes on in the teacher's lounge. Sometimes I wonder who learns more from the time we spend together, me or the students.

Today I learned about Giant Cheetos. Each on is the size of a golf ball, or a golf ball-sized meatball. Total mind blower.

Overheard in the Teachers Lounge

2009-02-26T15:09:00.002-06:00

"Somebody give me a gun. I want to shoot her so bad my butt aches."

What Have I Learned?

2009-02-17T13:35:00.002-06:00

That a blog called Teaching with Mr. Awesome would never work. Luckily for you, dear reader, Mr. Awesome is back to subbing. Goodbye ball and chain. Hello beautiful uncertainty.

A Sure Sign that it is Time to Move On

2009-01-16T12:18:00.002-06:00

Today during my planning period I had to make copies. Honest to goodness coalated and stapled copies. I even made them two sided because I was afraid that I might need the extra paper for my next copy job.

What the hell am I doing?

Dusting Off The Alarm Clock

2009-01-06T14:45:00.002-06:00

What did I learn over my two and half weeks of winter break? I learned that I prefer 6:30AM as a bed time and not as a wake up time.

Even so I dragged myself out of bed for the first school day of 2009. And scraped the windows on my car. And shuffled to Gateway's front door on hilariously unsalted sidewalks. As I passed by the front security desk, Ms. Peterson was taking the ice spikes off her shoes. Welcome back.

And then I did what I always do and then immediately regret. I took a long term sub job.

One of the English teachers will not be back for the remainder of the school year and Gateway wants Mr. Awesome to fill in until they can hire someone. This is how they always get me. They find me fresh off of three weeks of blowing money and watching daytime TV and offer me a steady gig with a 90 minute lunch. And I say yes. What a rube.

Don't get me wrong. Steady substitute work is great. I could hand out worksheets and proctor study halls everyday from now until 2050, in fact that is my 41 year plan in a nutshell. But doing teacher work (lesson planning, grading, dealing with parents, experiencing constant and soul crushing disappointment) for substitute pay? I must still be drunk.

Hopefully the new principal doesn't dilly dally in the hiring process because I'm already starting feel like a genuine underpaid and defeated public school teacher. If this goes on much longer than a week i am going to demand some paid time off.

Daily Routine

2008-12-10T12:57:00.002-06:00

Today, during a perfectly average day of substitute teaching, I found a blog where writers and artists explain their daily routines. Here is mine.

6:25am: Get out of bed and check for available substitute jobs on the internet.

7:05am: Arrive at whatever school I am working at for the day. Check into the main office and receive the absent teachers schedual. Go to that teachers room. If the door is locked, find someone to unlock it.

7:20am to 2:18pm: Substitute teach.

Breakfast: Thats what I call the apple and granola bar I eat during second period.

Planning Period: Every teacher has at least one planning period per school day. It could be first period, or last period, or any other period. Some teachers have several planning periods a day. Since substitutes have nothing to plan for, this is just time when I have nothing to do. Today on my planning period I read the current issue of GQ magazine while sitting in a massage chair by the pharmacy window at Walgreens.

Lunch: Is 30 minutes sometime between 10:12am and 12:30pm. If lunch happens to fall next to a planning period it can be 90 minutes or longer. This is when I eat. Sometimes in the cafeteria where an adult lunch cost $2.50. Sometimes fast food. Sometimes something I brought from home. Today I had left over hamburger, cabbage and potato soup that I made last night and made some small talk with two teachers and a Sam's Club representative in the teachers lounge.

2:18pm: High tail it to the parking lot.

That's it. But sometimes it's totally awesome.

He Am Legend

2008-11-20T09:23:00.002-06:00

As is my work day routine, my alarm went off at 6:35am and I jumped out of bed to check for any available jobs on the Substitute Machine Website. The pickens were slim, so I got back in bed and told myself not to fall asleep.

I fell asleep. But not for too long and was back on the Sub Machine Website by 6:55. Still nothing great. The fact that the new substitute system lets me see a list of available jobs all at once, as opposed to listening to them one at a time over the phone, has enabled my selectivity to reach an all time high. The result is that I now work almost exclusive at either Gateway, McKinley or Metro. I rarely, if ever feel compeled to work at schools I like less. But this morning none of my favorites had any need for my services.

I don't know why, but I decided not to just go back to bed. Instead took a Gym teacher job at Central Visual and Performing Arts High School. The way I see it, Gym teacher jobs can't be all bad because in gym, unlike any other class, kids are allowed to run around and make tons of noise. The down side of subbing for gym teachers is that there is rarely any place comfortable to sit and there is no access to the internet.

When I got to the main office at Central the woman in charge of dealing with substitutes gave me Mr. Mitchum's class scheduale and told me that there was a school wide assembly during 2nd period.

1st period the other Gym teacher had the kids play floor hockey. 2nd Period we took attendance and escorted our classes to the auditorium.

The assembly was a concert by Mr. Davidson's guitar classes. The first group to perform was the advanced guitar class playing a jazzy instrumental number. Its was a good as could be expected from a bunch of longhaired higschool guitar students dressed in black performing in front of their entire school at 8:30am. After advanced guitar came intermediate guitar and then begining guitar. It went on for a while, and my seat seemed to get less and less comfortable. Then 2nd period was over and we were still in the auditorium. Mr. Davidson's announced that there were three more numbers and then he would be introducing a special guest. For the third and last of the promised numbers, there were 13 students simultaniously playing electric guitars or basses on stage alongside a drummer and two vocalists for a vaguely recognizable rendition of Stevie Wonder's Superstition.

When the last guitar string stopped vibrating Mr. Davidson turned the floor over to The Principal, Dr. Enright.

"Good Morning Students and Staff. This morning we have very special guest who has come a long way to see us, and who I think you are going to very much enjoy. Central, give it up for my grandmother who came all the way from Georgia in her wheel chair to be here today!"

With that hip hop music came in loud and crackily over the PA system and a group student dancers came dancing onto the stage. What happened next, I was not prepared for. The mother fucking Fresh Prince of Ber Aire came in from stage right with a microphone in his hand.

Will Smith. Really.

Needless to say, the students went bananas. Apeshit Bananas.

Then I had a long lunch, three gym classes, swipped out an went home. Another day in the life of Mr. Awesome.

Poopie Pants

2008-11-07T14:51:00.003-06:00

I was wondering what it was going to take to end my blog drought, and then two kids shit their pants in one day. Its a good thing there were a couple extra pairs of sweatpants laying around.

The autism program is never dull.

Two Thumbs Up

2008-10-03T13:54:00.004-05:00

If you ever happen be at a thrift store agonizing over whether or not you should spent 99 cents on a VHS copy of 1988's educational film 'The Living Body,' do your self a favor and bring the tape and $1.06 to the cash register.

Thanks to Ms. Gannon and her need for a day off, I have a new favorite educational film. The Living Body has it all. It opens with a four minute long musical montage of the human body in action. This is what LIVING looked like in 1988. Taut, tanned bodies running and jumping, dancing and skiing, stretching and flexing, a ripped old guy slalom water skiing, a rally car driver shredding down a one lane country road. There is slow motion and close ups on ripling muscles, there are short shorts and two piece swimming suits. In short the living body is sexy, and thats just the montage.

Then the Counsel on Science and The Humanities takes us inside the body. Have you ever seen the inside of an intestine? Yeah? So have I. But, if you had seen The Living Body when it first came out in 88 it would have blown your mind. How about the inside of a lung, or an ear? You get to see both in this educational film. What I learned from the tiny camera on the end of stick shots is that inside we are mostly pink and slimey.

Once we've seen what we look like on the inside, The Living Body takes us where many eduacational films fear to tread. The reproductive system. I don't want to give everything away, but how does a psychadelic light display projected onto the body of naked pregnant woman sound? I thought so.

When Ms. Gannon comes back to school on Monday I'm going to ask her if I can dub a copy. Mr. Awesome needs a copy for his library.

Eureka!

2008-10-03T09:36:00.003-05:00

Guess who just found a crumpled 20 dollar bill in the middle of a deserted hallway?

This Guy!

Sheppards Pie

2008-10-01T13:03:00.004-05:00

School Lunch. For most people it's only one step above airplane food, maybe a half step. And now that it's 2008 and airplane food doesn't really exist anymore, school lunch stands alone as the last stalwart of notoriously bad tasting food.

I for one will argue that school lunch doesn't have to be as bad as its reputation. The food at my grade school was actually good. Granted, at that time in my life my mom was feeding us brown rice, lots of vegetables and my little brother still thought that when people talked about candy they were talking about raisins. But even the kids whose families ordered in Domino's every Friday liked most of the food served in our cafeteria.

My grade school's cafeteria was run by one very nice lady named Marge and 4 other ladies who were more than a little scary. Marge and her scary helpers made a different meal every day and student had no options of what to eat. The standout meals, the ones that drew cheers from eight year olds, were macaroni and cheese with bacon, chili, and sloppy joes. Also worth mentioning was chipped beef, which I am convinced was just slices of hard salami cooked in milk and eaten on a biscuit, but somehow made to be good tasting.

In Marge's cafeteria, every meal included at least one hot vegetable and most days carrots, celery sticks and salad olives were offered as an appetizer. There was also a small desert. Marge and the scary ladies earned whatever salary they were making.

For most people school lunch is a concept that is receding farther and farther into the dusty corners of their memory. This is not the case for substitute teachers. I sometimes eat in the cafeteria of whatever school I'm at as often as twice a week.

At Gateway my options are usually a chicken patty sandwich, fries and a half a pint of milk. Lunch is supposed to include a vegetable and fruit but it's rare to actually receive them. Sometimes you can scrounge up a fruit cup, some watery broccoli or a red delicious apple. On the unusual occasion that the menu does not end at chicken sandwich, you can purchase pizza or spaghetti or a generic McRib sandwich. I thing it's fair to say that the options in the Gateway cafeteria are limited, but the prices are low and on a good day the food is only one step below fast food.

McKinley Gifted Junior High is one of my favorite schools to work in. The students are bright and friendly, everything is clean and organized and the cafeteria is, in my opinion, the best in the whole district. I'm at McKinley today and even though I brought a salami sandwich, I decided see what was on the menu in cafeteria.

The woman who runs McKinley's cafeteria is a younger prettier Marge. She always gives me heaping helpings of whatever I'm having and I am sure to heap on the compliments. Today's special was something I'd never had before, but something I've always wanted to try. It was my dad's favorite lunch when he was in school. Sheppard's pie. Its a mashed potato casserole with ground beef and gravy. It was delicious. Or at least as good as fast food.

You don't substitute teach for the money. The real payment is experience.

Road Trip

2008-09-30T14:48:00.003-05:00

Today I went one mile farther south than usual and spent the day at Central Visual and Performing Arts Highschool. Aside from my 90 minute Vietnamese Fast Food lunch it was a bummer. Ms. Rosen must be a resilient woman.

I hope to see you tomorrow Gateway.

Intentions Pure as the Driven Snow

2008-09-18T13:20:00.012-05:00

It is now clear to me that the only people that read this blog are shade tree legal experts and pervs. I was talking about photographing the smiling face of America's youth. Get your minds out of the gutter.

You would all make terrible substitute teachers until you were summarily fired for doing something inappropriate.

Legalities

2008-09-11T14:03:00.003-05:00

I'm starting to think that Subbing with Mr. Awesome could benefit from some photographs. Am I going to lose my job if I post photos of students on the Internet?

The Futute is Now. Now is Suck Ass.

2008-09-04T13:37:00.008-05:00

The third week of new school year is almost over and I still haven't got a single job by way of the new and 'improved' Automated Substitute System. Its Improved in the same way New Coke was improved.

The main difference between the new system and the old system as far as I can tell is this, the old system used to call you the night before or early in the morning the day of an assignment so that you had ample time to make it to school on time. The new system seems to prefer calling between 9:00 and 11:00am when the school day is already a third to half way over.

Also, the new system requires the substitue to enter 2 seperate six digit pin numbers before they can hear any available jobs. I don't know if there was a big problem in the past with subtitutes entering other subs pin numbers and then working assignments as someone else. Maybe there was. If there is some rogue sub out there working under an assumed identity lets just hope his capacity for remembering numbers does not exceed 11 digits.

Hopefully, whoever is in charge of programing the new Automated Substitute System is aware that there are some significant glithces and makes an effort to straighten them out. Until they work out the kinks I'll stick with my current setup, 6:30am calls to Ms. Jenson in the main office.

Clemency

2008-08-25T20:59:00.002-05:00

This morning as I cued up '1776 The Musical' for the first of a scheduled six times, I tried to get to a mental place where I could resist the repeated assault of witty colonial era show tunes on my sanity. Then Ms. Murray walked in the door, back early from the out of town funeral she had to attend. It was like getting a last minute call from the Governors office.

Ms. Murray's unanticipated early return made for a very easy day for me. A few classes, a long lunch, plenty of relaxing and not a single big musical number.

The downside? I guess I'll never know if John Adams and Thomas Jefferson were successful in righting a convincing Declaration of Independence.

A Special Kind of Hell

2008-08-22T13:11:00.023-05:00

Most people think of subbing as writing your name on the black board, popping a movie in VCR and waiting for the bell to ring. It sounds like a pretty easy gig, and don't get me wrong, it can be.

The thing most people don't consider is that the average teacher has six or seven classes a day. So if the teacher wants to you to play a movie for the kids, you have to play it at least 6 times a day. Then realize that a class period is only 50 minutes long. So at the end of the day you have watched the first 50 minutes of a movie six times.

Its like working at FAO Schwartz during the Christmas season, you start to wonder how many more times you can be welcomed to a world of toys without blowing your brains out.

Today was day two of a three day gig for an American Government teacher. Her instructions were for me to play a movie for each of her six classes and have them answer a worksheet with questions from the movie.

We are not watching The Big Lebowski.

1776. A musical about the drafting of Declaration of the Independence. I shit you not, a musical. Starring Mr. Sweeney from Boy Meets World as John Adams. And its two hours and twenty one minutes long. I haven't seen the end yet but if you have any questions about the first 45 or second 45 minutes, I've seen them each six times.

Meet the New Boss

2008-08-21T13:44:00.003-05:00

Despite the fact that no one in the district office has taken the time to flip the switch that controls the the St. Louis Public Schools Automated Substitute System to the 'on' position, I was able to get my first day of work for the school year. All it took was a 6:50am phone call to Gateway High's main office.

Walking in Gateway's front doors, summer felt like a long weekend without pay. Mr. Hammond the security officer was still reading the paper at the front door just like I left him in June. But not everything remained unchanged. Third period the entire school assembled in the auditorium to meet the new boss.

Dr. Brindly is the new principal of the Gateway Institute of Technology. She seems like she has her shit together. We were in the auditorium for almost 45 mintues and security didn't have a thing to do. I'd day She's off to a pretty good start.

With a Whimper

2008-08-18T12:02:00.002-05:00

Monday August 18th 2008, the first day of the St. Louis Public School 2008-2009 school year. I've seen this date on television commercials, the sides of buses and mobile billboards driving around downtown. It seems no expense was spared in the campaign to ensure high attendance for the first few weeks of school.

Actually one expense was spared. The Automated Substitute System will not be up and running until Thursday. For myself and the rest of the substitute teachers employed by the St. Louis Public Schools, summer vacation marches on. And to think I went to bed at 10:30 last night. What a waste.

Quick, Everyone Sit in the Hallway

2008-05-27T16:39:00.003-05:00

This afternoon things got a little tornadic. So in lieu of 6th period the entire staff and student body of Gateway Highschool sat in the first floor hallway for an hour with all the doors and windows closed.

No one was killed, no damage was reported, but one kid puked in a trash can.

Just Me and The Dummies

2008-05-22T12:29:00.009-05:00

I'm back from another week of spring break and spending the day in Ms. Steward's nursing classroom. Its a little wierd in here. The classroom is equiped not only with desks and computers but also three adult and two infant dummies with nose and mouth holes laying in hospital beds. I also found what looks like a urine sample in one of the glass doored cabinets.

I only have students for the first four periods today. After that its just me and the dummies.

Come fifth period it looks like the infants are going to have give up their bed until 2:18. This substitute if looking forward to a little afternoon shut eye.

Clearing the Boards

2008-05-02T12:08:00.012-05:00

There is an understanding between teachers and students in the St. Louis Public Schools. They are never allowed to touch each other in anger. Any breach of this understanding brings with it serious repercussions. Teachers can lose there jobs and students can be expelled. Criminal charges are not out of the question.

There is one exception. One glorious afternoon when teacher and students can volunteer to beat up on each other in the name of good clean fun.

The Seniors vs. Staff Basketball Game took place yesterday afternoon. Thats why I am typing this with a fat lip, hurt wrist and tweaked left ankle.

When I got home yesterday I had to stain stick the blood stains on my shirt. It was totally worth it. I've already had a dozen kids compliment me on my game.

Would a Custodian Please Report to ISS

2008-04-25T13:53:00.019-05:00

Today there were two students in ISS. One was on his last day of a 4 day sentence, the other on his first of three. After the end of 2nd period the new kid, Michael, was getting antsy. Apparently he doesn't repond well to boredom.

Students in ISS get to leave the room 4 times a day. Three group bathroom breaks and ISS lunch. Before It was even time for our first bathroom break Michael was absolutely itching to get out of the room. I explained to him that the only time he was getting out was for lunch and three bathroom breaks.

"What if I'm sick? Can I go to the nurse?"

"You'd have to be really sick, like puking or something."

The first bathroom break was about 30 minutes after our conversation. Michael spent those 30 minutes, from 8:45 to 9:15 eating a jumbo container of Sour Patch Straws. At 9:15 we took a bathroom break.

On the way back to the room Michael stopped in the hallway about 15 feet from the door of ISS, bent slightly at the waist and silently puked orangish clear goo onto the floor of the hallway.

I was stunned. I couldn't tell if was throwing up or spitting a mouthful of water on the ground.

"Michael, what the hell was that?"

"I don't know"

"You know you've got to clean that up, right?"

"Ok"

he went into the room to get some paper towels, stopped right by my desk, and did it agin.

"Michael, go to the nurse."

"OK"

I'll say one thing about Michael. He knows how to get what he wants.

The Future?

2008-04-23T11:06:00.004-05:00

Its official. In School Suspension is my favorite assignment. I like it so much I think I'd be willing to do it everyday. $35,000 a year and health insurance everyday.

I'm not sure if there is a special certification process for In School Suspension teachers. The state requires aspiring regular classroom teachers to spend a semester student teaching with an established teacher in their subject before they can earn their certifiction. Does that apply to aspiring In School teachers too? No disrespect to veteran In School Suspension teachers in the district, but I think I could teach them a thing or two about sitting in a quiet room for 7 hours.

The Warden

2008-04-18T10:42:00.004-05:00

The MAP testing season is coming to an end. With more than a little Automated Substitute System wrangling I was able to work and average of 3.5 days per week through the drought. It was plenty of work to keep me in fast food mexican and cheap beer.

As of today, finding work is no longer an issue. The normal warden of In School Suspension is out for the remainder of the year for medical reasons. I got the call to fill in. 12 students or less all day long, everyday I care to show up for the rest of the year.

Today on the roster there are two names. They came in first period and immediately went to sleep. At 10:25 I woke them up and we went to the cafeteria for the ISS lunch period. They put their heads on the lunch table and kept them there until it was time to go back up stairs. Back in the room and straight back to sleep. They even slept through a minor earthquake this morning. ISS is a peaceful place.

One Substitute Left Behind

2008-04-02T11:56:00.003-06:00

Its that time of year again. Time to sharpen the number 2 pencils and pass out the scan-tron sheets. Time for the administration to to turn off the bells and beg students for an honest effort. Time for the brass at the District office downtown to cross their fat clamy fingers. They're nervously sweating in Jefferson City too. Probably even Washington DC.

Everyone hates State testing. Even substitutes.

The three weeks of Missouri Assessment Program testing in early April is the only time all school year when a substitute in St. Louis Public Schools may not have the opportunity to work every day. I don't know if the administration bribes the teachers with the same basketball games, movies and pizza parties they offer the students who do their best on the tests, but for some reason during state testing the demand for substitutes drops like a non-titanium anvil.

Don't get me wrong, days off are the reason I love being a sub. But its one thing to stay out to late and decide at 2:00am to take tomorrow off, Its another thing to go to bed at 9:30 expecting a 5 am phone call and then find yourself wide awake on a rainy Tuesday morning without nothing to do and no prospects.

Maybe I should just save myself the stress and extend spring break by another three weeks. Thats the kind of thing you can do when you're a substitute.

Still Working. Sometimes

2008-03-27T12:21:00.005-06:00

Where have I been for the last month? I've been around.

There was spring break and a few multi-day jobs sans computer. There were some regular kind of boring days, some professional development days and enough snow days to ensure that I will still have a job in June.

I'm still around though, don't worry about that. Except I won't be here tommorow either. Parent conference day.

Attention Staff and Students

2008-02-27T13:40:00.021-06:00

I had 90 minutes for lunch today. Usually that means I
take a vacation from school for an hour and a half.
Not today. The intercom convinced me to stay.

Every school in the district has an intercom system
with a microphone in the main office and speakers
throughout the school. Usually the intercom is used
twice a day, once in the morning and once in the
afternoon for school wide announcements. Some days it
is used much more often. There is a linear relationship
between the number of times the intercom is used per day,
and how interested I am in the messages it delivers. Once
on a particularly intercom heavy day, I heard it used
to announce that there was a riot in progess on the
first floor.

Today as fourth period was winding down and I was
trying to figure out where to go for lunch, the
assistant principal came on the intercom to give the
morning announcements.

'Good morning Gateway staff and students, these
are your morning announcements. Girls Track practice
is cancelled today, field trip forms for seniors in
college summit must be turned in by Friday Februaury
29th, the Gateway varsity boys basketball team will
continue its run to the state championship tonight
when it faces Desmet in the sectional tournament at
UMSL at 7:45, we hope to see everyone there and on
their best behavior.'

And then there was one last bit of information.

'Special announcement from the cafteria staff, today
is soul food day. On the menu will be smothered
chicken, baked macaroni and cheese, mixed greens,
sweet potatos, green beans, dinner rolls and corn
bread. For desert is yellow cake with white icing.'

Eating in the in the school cafeteria is something I
usually only do as a last resort. Most teachers won't
even step foot in the cafeteria. but I figure if its
good enough for my students, its good enough for me.
At least on those days that I haven't brought anything
for lunch and there's not enough time to pick something
up.

On days when I do eat in the cafeteria I usally end up
with a warmish chicken sandwich, mushy-ish fries, two
ketchup packets (three if I'm lucky), some jello or a
fruit cup, and a half pint of milk for $2.50. Its the
kind of meal you'd expect from a second tier fast food
resturant in a truck stop that's 40 miles on the
interstate from the nearest city. Its just slightly
better than eating a bag of chips and a candy bar and
waiting to find some real food.

Until November of this year, I thought that interstate
truck stop fast food was all the cafeteria staff at Gateway
was capable of. Then I had Thanksgiving Dinner Lunch.
What a differece a little effort makes. Thanksgiving
Dinner Lunch that day in November was good enough to
convince me to spent my ninety minute lunch today on
school grounds and enjoying authentic cafeteria soul food.

I stand by my decision.

While enjoying my feast there was an unschedualed
anouncement on the intercom.

'Will the owner of a white Caddilac parked on the west
ramp please move their car, it was nearly destroyed by a
school bus.'

Thank you cafeteria staff.

The Other Side of the Desk

2008-02-19T13:08:00.033-06:00

Presidents day. I used the time off to sleep in, read, eat leftovers and waste time on the internet. Besides waking up at 11:00 intstead of 6:30, it was a lot like a day of subbing, without pay. Presidents day is probably a more fun if you're on salary.

For students and substitutes it was a cold and windy four day weekend. Teachers only had three days off. It was a professional development day on Friday.

Professional development day is when all the teachers in the district are forced to attend workshops and listen to presenters lecture about becoming a more effective teacher. They sit in desks and listen to someone who is getting paid to talk. They hate it.

At professional development there is no homework, no grades, no gym class, no detention, no bullies, no screaming assitant principal, and teachers get paid to attend. Even so, they hate it. Its boring. Its a waste of time. There's a million other more productive things they could be doing.

Like trying to figure out why their students always look so bored and pissed off in class.

Buttons

2008-02-06T19:29:00.000-06:00

From 5:25 to 7:10 am I laid in bed pushing buttons on my cell phone. Seven buttons to call the system. Six to enter my personal identification number.

The light from the screen hurt my eyes and the voice of the automated substitute system screamed in my ear.
'To hear jobs that are available for you to select press 3.'
'To hear another job press 7.'
I must have pressed 7 two hundred times.

Finally I gave up. I gave in. I took a job at a middle school.

Ralph Bunche International Studies Middle School shares a building with Central Visual and Performing Arts High School. Last year I subbed at Central pretty regularly. I’ve only subbed at Bunche once before. It was an ok day during my first year of subbing.

I got to school five minutes after the ringing of the first bell. I told the security guard at the front door that I was a sub and asked her to point me towards the main office. Her directions were to Central’s main office. I clarified that today, I was subbing at Bunche, not Central.

“If you’re subbing at Bunche, you’re in the wrong school.”

Apparently Bunche moved to a different building over the summer. The guard had no idea where it had moved to. Neither did I. She suggested that I go to Central’s main office and see if they knew where I could find Ralph Bunche.

As soon as I walked into the office, the woman behind the desk who I deal with whenever I sub at Central said, “Thank goodness you’re here. Who are you subbing for?”

I told here that I was subbing for a middle school science teacher whose name I couldn’t remember who worked at a school that was no longer located in the building.

“But we really need you today,” she said.

“No problem, I’ll sub here.”

“What about Bunche?”

“I don’t even know where Bunche is.”

And just like that I avoided a day in middle school. I ended up with a job in the sewing room. It was nothing but small groups of well mannered highschool girls all day long.

What number do I need press to get another job like that?

Forward to the Past

2008-02-04T12:49:00.041-06:00

Half the teachers in the St. Louis Public School District must have been suffering from wicked nacho cheese hangovers this morning. The phone was ringing off the hook.

I got the call to come back to my old stomping grounds, Ms. Brighton's room. I spent most of the first semester sitting behind this very desk and wasting time on this very computer.

The room feels very much the same even though its no longer my semi-permanent home. I kept the desk a little tidy-er than Ms. Brighton does and there are some new students that enrolled for the second semester, but it all feels very familiar. Its easy to fall back into a familiar routine.

First period the seniors rejoiced in and complained about the outcome of the super bowl. Demetrius is now convinced that professional football is rigged. The entire class is convinced that I'm related to Tom Brady.

Ms. Andrews is still bringing in her College Summit class during second period to use the computers. I am still reading the newspaper online and eating my apple and granola bar breakfast.

Third period there are plenty of new faces in the freshman class, but the veterans have quickly brought the rookies up to speed on how to spend the entire class period watching rap videos and Microsoft Window shopping for shoes.

Fourth period is still well behaved and studious.

For first lunch the cafeteria is still only serving beige colored food. A golden brown chicken patty on a white bun with yellow American cheese, tan french fries, orange canned apricots and white milk. In fairness to the menu planner, the ketchup is red.

Fifth period is still convinced that its ok to come to class 20 minutes late if you're coming from lunch.

Sixth period is still when you notice that the heater in Ms. Brighton's room is permantly stuck on high. It also when you contemplate trying to run the air conditioning at the same time.

When this was kind of my classroom seventh period used to give me headaches at least two days a week. I hope its one thing thats not the same at all, not even a little.

Fingers Crossed

2008-01-31T12:43:00.000-06:00

Its looking good for a snow day tomorrow.

Between 3rd and 4th periods I went to the 2nd floor west boys room and noticed some flurries blowing in through the open window. Its now 6th period. There is already an inch on the ground outside and it looks like its snowing kleenex. The weather dudes are calling for 5 to 9 inches before tomorrow morning.

Snow day or not I could sleep in tomorrow. But it would be that much more enjoyable if I knew that all my students were doing the same.

A Change of Scenery

2008-01-24T13:07:00.000-06:00

On Tuesday my streak came to an end. For the first time since School started in August, 94 school days ago, I spent a day somewhere other than Gateway.

I spent Tuesday at Soldan High, where my Grandfather still holds some athletic records from his tenure there in the 1930's.

Soldan is a bit further from my house and has significantly fewer nearby fast food options for lunch. But all in all its a fine place for bright eyed sub to spend a cold Tuesday in St. Louis.

Off The Hook

2008-01-14T16:09:00.000-06:00

I am a substitute. I am in a different classroom everyday. I have a 30 minute lunch break. I am no longer associated with the teacher-less class in room 307 South.

A two hour and 35 minute lunch break was the candy that a stranger used to lure my into his windowless cargo van. I was able to escape. No one was taken advantage of. Leave it at that.

Self Destructive Behavior

2008-01-10T11:10:00.000-06:00

My girlfriend's family has a family motto:

You fuck up, you fuck up again, and then you learn. Maybe.

I just fucked up again. I took the teacherless classroom that the assistant principle was trying to nudge me into. It was a terrible decision.

This is different than covering a maternity leave. There is no well organized teacher at home creating assignment calendars. Its just me, a computer, 12 desks, a blackboard, a locked cabinet and desk and three small classes of special-ed students.

But there is a reason I made such a terrible decision. Guess how long my lunch is? Longer. Longer. Two hours and 36 minutes!

How bad can anything really be if you've got one hundred and fifty six minutes for lunch. I could drive to Alton Illinois for the world's coldest beers and 99 cent burgers and still make it back in time to 'co-teach' Dr. Nguyen's 7th biology class.

Jeez

2008-01-08T15:27:00.000-06:00

Three days. Three blissfull unattached days. That's how long it took before the brass tried to shoe horn me into one classroom for the rest of the year.

Am I going to take it? I'll tell you the same thing I told them.
'I'll think about it.'

A Fresh Start

2008-01-03T09:10:00.000-06:00

Its next year, the first day of a new semester. Ms. Brighton is back from maternity leave and I'm getting reacquainted with my life as an unattached day to day sub.

Today I'm here for a chemistry teacher. Tomorrow, who knows? Maybe I'll get the call to sub for one of the lunch ladies. Maybe I'll go to the Indian Buffet.

Its third period and everything is going great. First period the only three students in the room slept like perfect angels from bell to bell. Second period the two students closest to my desk and I had a conversation about Seinfeld, weight loss techniques, U.S. currency, cars and what we did over winter break. I rode my bike and went to some parties. Cameron inherited a Dodge Intrepid from his dad. Marvin used a tape recorder to record himself playing Guitar Hero and then listened to the tape while driving around in his mom's minivan.

Its good to be back.

Real Talk

2007-12-12T15:46:00.000-06:00

Its a well known fact that, in general, substitutes don't command a whole lot of respect in the hallways. Students figure that they can venture pretty far over the line before the typical sub will expend the significant amount of time and energy it takes to get a student in trouble.

Pretty much everyday, I walk into the boys room and walk in on some group of boys smoking. Most of the time its a cigarette, occasionally its the other thing kids smoke in school bathrooms. In either case nothing usually comes of it. They put whatever they were smoking out, and I pee. At least they show me some deference by extinguishing their smokes.

With each day I spend at Gateway, kids get to know me better and show me a little more respect. Recently, during the passing periods, when I'm standing in the hallway and a student I have in class calls someone a motherfucker, they usually follow it with a sincere and appreciated 'Sorry, Mr. Awesome.'

That's why I was so astounded today when a student in my third period class was standing next to me during the passing period and said to a girl walking down the hall 'Hey Porsche, you should take your shirt off.' I was stunned. But Porsche was calm. She responded, 'why?'

His answer? 'So we can see your breasts.'

I guess I've still got a long way to go.

Blackout

2007-12-06T13:49:00.001-06:00

My classroom was dark for most of the first two periods yesterday morning. Apparently UE was having some problems with the lines that ran to the school. The lack of fluorescent lighting combined with an overcast sky made for some very dark classrooms.

Weird stuff happens in a blackout. Even if only lasts for an hour and a half.

While the lights were out:

A student across the hall spontaneously puked all over Mr. Sheffield's floor without even trying to get out of her seat or make it toward the trash can.

A student in Ms. Winfred's class launched into an uncontrollable screaming fit that lasted for the better part of 5 minutes.

A student in one of the classrooms at the far end of the 4th floor hall passed out and had to be wheeled out by the EMT students on a wheeled medical cot.

Then the lights came on just in time for third period. The rest of the day was normal. As normal as any day can be in a Public High School.

The Uniform

2007-12-04T12:37:00.000-06:00

I've said it before, but a big part of being a substitute teacher is waking up early. As a sub in the St. Louis Public Schools its not uncommon for the Automated Substitute System to call as early as 5:30am. Since I have been working most of this year as a long term sub I haven't been subject to nearly as many 5:30am wake up calls. That being said, I have to be at school in my classroom by 7:05, so I'm not exactly sleeping in.

I can adjust to waking up early pretty well. But in order for me to be someone who is not, not a morning person, there are certain measures I have to take. First and foremost is that I go to bed early, its not uncommon for me to be in bed lights out at 9:30. I set my alarm to ring at the last possible minute and never snooze. Snoozing is dry-humping.

One reason that I can live a 10 minute drive away from school and set my alarm for for 6:45 is that I have a routine. NPR comes on at 6:45, I jump out of bed, go to the bathroom with the lights off, pee sitting down, flip on the lights, scrape my tongue, brush my teeth and get dressed, grab my backpack and walk out the door.

I never have to waste valuable sleeping minutes deciding what to wear because I wear the exact same thing to work everyday. This is my uniform: a white short sleeve business shirt, black Rustler brand jeans and black skate shoes with white laces. In the winter I add my blue winter coat.

After 3 years of subbing most days at Gateway, I think that pretty much every student and teacher has noticed that I wear the same clothes everyday. I imagine they find it amusing. One time I had a teacher down the hall wave me over to his doorway during the passing period. When I got to his doorway he told me that 'someday you've got to switch it up Mr. Lee, give the girls a new look.'

Today, during the passing period after lunch, I heard a couple of girls coming down the hallway. The one was saying to the other 'I'm gonna buy him a new outfit.' I told them that this was my uniform and and if they wanted spend some money on me, they could buy me new black jeans and a white short sleeve shirt. She said, 'I'm gonna buy you a black shirt... and white jeans, and white shoes with black laces.'

I really hope that she comes through on her promise. It would be the perfect outfit for opposite day.

p.s. The 'Snoozing is dry-humping' joke is a Jim Utz original.

Mr. Sheffield

2007-11-27T14:00:00.000-06:00

The High School Basketball season is officially underway and the Gateway Jaguars have high hopes. The St. Louis Post-Dispatch has them ranked third among large schools.

I have the star player in my class. He is a big atletic looking senior who has been recruited to some prestigious division one colleges. Last night was their first game.

During sixth period today, the teacher across the hall, Mr. Sheffield, came into my room shouting. "71 to 46, the Gateway Institute of Technology, the third rated large school in the St. Louis Metro area, lost to Whitfield, a small private school with an enrollment of 200 for grades 7-12."

Mr. Sheffield proceeded to relentlessly make fun of the basketball star for the next 15 minutes straight. No students did any work. Mr. Sheffield even has class 6th period. They were sitting in his classroom wondering where their teacher was.

When Mr. Sheffield finally went back across the hall I started to tell the class what we were doing for the period. Then the phone rang. It was Mr. Sheffield, for one of my students, a basketball player.

Defenistration

2007-11-20T10:11:00.000-06:00

The sharp crack from outside the window left me wondering if someone was outside shooting a gun. The last time I heard a gunshot at close range, I thought it was a bike tire exploding, and then a guy came out of the bowling alley bathroom with a bloody hand complaining about the guy who just shot him. My brain changed after that Monday night at the bowling alley. Now any loud crack is considered gunshot until proven innocent.

The loud crack four stories below my classroom wasn't a gunshot. It was a wooden drawer from a science classroom laboratory-desk turning into splinters after being heaved out of a third story window. When I leaned over the radiator and stuck my head out the window, there it was, a ring of splinters and shattered planks with butterfly joints.

A hand full of students and I hung out the window for a few minutes waiting for more action until I was convinced the show was over. I got all the students away from the window and was not even back behind my desk when there was another crack and two seconds later another. We all ran back to the window. Every classroom on our side of the building had groups of students and teachers hanging out the windows gawking at the growing pile of kindling.

Everyone, with the exception of adult in the room with the rampaging students, secretly loves it when something like this happens. The students love it because it gives them something to talk about. The teachers love it because it gives them something to talk about, and in comparison to the near riot going on in the 3rd floor science lab, their classroom looks like a Harvard Law reading room. And the Principal, well actually, he probably doesn't love it either.

RIP John Jones

2007-11-09T14:07:00.000-06:00

After almost a month in Ms. Brighton's classroom I'm finally getting to the point where I know almost all of my students by name. There are still a few students that I can't put a name to the face, but for the most part its, "Good morning, Eunique" and "What's up Darion?"

Today during 7th period just after taking attendance, I realized that there was only one student that I couldn't identify by name. I figured that I would use a process of elimination and the class roster to figure out the young man's name. I checked the roster and soon realized that I knew every person on the list. The student who wasn't on the list had been in my class all along and I recognized his face but it took me this long to realize that his name wasn't on my roster.

Gateway is a big school and there can be a fair amount of confusion about which student is in which classroom at what time. So I figured the student was not on my roster because of a clerical error.

I asked the student what his name was and he told me, John Jones. I explained to him that he wasn't on my roster. He told me the name of his counselor and I went to my desk to call her.

I dialed the counselors number and explained the situation; John Jones has been in my class all semester but his name somehow never made it onto the class roster. After about 15 seconds on the phone I looked up just as John walked out the door.

The counselor explained that she did have any students named John Jones, but she did have a student named John Joyner, and had been skipping his seventh period class everyday for over a month.

John Jones was one of my best students. He quietly did his work every single day. I wonder what his other 7th period class is like if he would rather come to my room every day and actually do the work?

I'm gonna miss that sneaky little guy.

Sleeping Birds Lie

2007-11-09T13:04:00.000-06:00

One of the students in my 6th period comes to class everyday with a very noticeable red mark on his forehead from sleeping through his 5th period. I've ask him about it before and he explained that his 5th period class is boring and the teacher doesn't seem to mind if he takes a nap when his work is done.

Personally, I've always found napping difficult. On the rare occasion that I do take a nap, it usually lasts for two hours or more and is followed by another hour of debilitating grogginess. Knowing these things about myself, I never successfully fell asleep even once throughout my entire academic career.

Since sleep wasn't really a viable way for me to pass a boring school day. My stratagem was to force myself to pay attention in class so that I could pass the tests without ever doing any of the assigned reading. It worked like a charm. But it also robbed me of seminal high school experience, being jolted awake by an angry teacher dropping a heavy text book on the desk that you are using as a pillow.

Now, as a substitute, I find myself wielding the heavy textbook and the authority to drop it inches from the head of a sleeping student. But just as I know that I will never be a napper, I also know I will never be a textbook dropper.

Why on earth would I want wake a sleeping student? When a kid is asleep the odds of them screaming or punching another student slips blissfully close to zero.

Back to the Grind

2007-11-05T13:54:00.000-06:00

I'm back in the classroom today. My Halloween vacation, four days off over two weeks, has come to an end. There was a time in my life when working 6 days over two weeks was perfectly normal. Those were the salad days.

I woke up this morning and it wasn't pitch dark outside. It felt like a new beginning. Apparently daylight savings time does have a purpose.

Two weeks and two days until Thanksgiving break. I hope I have enough left-over fun size candy bars to get me through.

2:07pm

2007-10-23T14:07:00.000-05:00

11 minutes until the final bell of the day. My perpetually difficult 7th period class is being perpetually difficult. One student is on his way to the assistant principal. 3 kids are actually trying to finish their test. The remaining 20 students and I are counting down the 660 seconds until the bell.

Tommorow is Wednesday. I'm taking off Thursday, Friday there is no school.

Next Wednesday is Halloween. I don't work on Halloween, or the day after or the day after.

Come on 2:18.

Yes

2007-10-18T13:12:00.000-05:00

Quick, go into the utility closet and find the majorette's batons. Que the marching band. Cheerleaders, lets get perky. We're having a pep rally.

Screw 7th period. The last 50 minutes before a three day homecoming weekend is party time. Let's do this Gateway.

Where There's Fire Alarm, There's Smoking.

2007-10-16T13:46:00.000-05:00

For the last few months of last school year, the students at Gateway were pulling the fire alarm, on average, at least once a day.

It all started when on the last day before spring break some gutsy student pulled the alarm during 2nd lunch. While everyone was forced outside to wait for the all clear from the fire department there was a series of fights that the student body found far more entertaining than class. When the fire department came and gave the all clear the students were told to go back to class. A few did. The rest ran the halls roughhousing until the principal came over the intercom and announced that there was a riot in progress on the first floor and that the police were on their way.

Personally, I doubt that the action on the first floor hallways that day amounted to a riot, but it was very exciting. That one fire alarm pull taught the whole student body that a fire alarm and near riot is a great way to pass some time during a boring school day.

We spent a lot of time waiting for the all clear from the fire department last year. So much time, that the fire department eventually refused to respond to fire alarms at Gateway Tech, which I'm pretty sure is illegal. They would only come to Gateway if the alarm was accompanied by a call from an administrator. When the administrators called, they told the firemen whether this particular alarm was false, or whether it was one of the many times that the students set fire to a trash can in one of the bathrooms. Which was more common? Six to one, half dozen to the other.

Over the summer, ending the fire alarm epidemic was one of the administrations first priorities. For the first day of school this year, every fire alarm was fitted with covers that spray indelible ink onto the hands of whoever triggers the alarm. For the first 7 weeks of school there were no fire alarms.

Today, during 1st lunch, the alarm fire sounded. I was alone in my classroom eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for my 30 minute lunch break. I finished a half pint of milk and made my way down the stairs and out emergency exit #8.

It was just like old times as we all waited in the pleasant fall weather for the all clear from the fire department. As we were waiting I overheard a nearby teacher saying something about a cigarette. 30 feet a way, down the mellow grassy hill near the decrepit tennis courts a female students was puffing casually away on a cigarette looking up at the building vacantly.

To see a student smoking so casually in that situation, it caught me totally off guard. I mean, its not like we were in the boys room or something.

I Shouldn't Care That It's Friday

2007-10-12T12:40:00.000-05:00

Knowing the bell scheduale by heart, the location of the faculty bathroom, the nearest fast food restaurant, the number to dial for security, these are important things for a sub to know. What day of the week is it? Who cares, I'm a sub.

Today is Friday. I've known all week that today was going to be Friday, and I care, I've been looking forward to it. That's how I know something is very wrong.

The reason I love subbing is that, for a sub, any day you work might as well be Friday, it might as well be the Friday before Graduation. When the bell rings at 2:18, if you don't want to, you don't have to go back to school for two days, three days, or the rest of your life. Its a nice perk.

Sadly its a perk that for the rest of the semester does not apply to me. I have dug myself into the same hole I have found myself in several times before. The purgatory of working everyday, like a real teacher, but still getting paid at the lower substitute rate. Why do I keep doing this to myself?

The worst part of all? Lunch is only 30 minutes, with no possibility of parole.

Guest Speaker

2007-10-10T11:49:00.000-05:00

As I write this, there is a woman standing in front of the white board and teaching my class. She is dressed professionally, well-organized and engaging. She brought hand outs and free pencils. She's doing role playing exercises for Christ's sake!

Meanwhile I'm relegated to the back of the room, tears rolling down my cheeks, forced to listen to the attentive silence and occasional engaged laughter of my students. This must be how regular teacher feels when I show up. Except, not really, because when I come in the teacher is usually in the comfort of their own home eating frozen pizzas and watching Price is Right reruns in their bathrobe.

Maybe its time I start working towards my teachers certification.

St. Louis Public School Football

2007-10-05T10:13:00.000-05:00

In the warm dusk the cars glide in one after another. Five hundred dollar cars and hand me down cars packed tight with students in new clothes. Trunk lids rattle and holey exhausts pipes cough and spit grey smoke. Groups of students walk from the bus stop. On the field, the lights are on and buzzing even as the setting sun is still two fingers above the horizon. The security guards wear reflective vests over their well worn uniforms. A white uniform shirt and handgun differentiate the supervisors from the regular guards, gun-less in their blue shirts. At the ticket booths teachers make change for crumpled and soiled $5 bills.

The field aspires to be a rectangular oasis of manicured green in the surrounding desert of cracked concrete and litter strewn parking lots. It falls well short of oasis. It is mostly green and free from litter, but even so, it's decidedly at home in its surroundings. A dark-red running track surrounds the football field and fence surrounds the track. A sidewalk follows the outside of the fence around its wide oval. It is heavily trafficked at every moment for the next three hours. Young people walk back and forth on parade. They walk in both directions, in groups, alone, running, dancing, cussing and eating off-brand snacks from the concession stand. The grandstands are this parade's judge's box. Anyone sitting on one of the light blue plank seats is a judge.

On the field the game has begun but only about half the people seem to notice. Occasionally the clap of hard plastic, or the screams someone who is paying attention, draw eyes to the field. For every one of the 22 stout, sweaty teenagers on the field, another 3 stand on the sidelines. They stand behind coaches in khakis and polo shirts with clipboards and headsets. Who are they talking to on the headset? Is it anything more than a prop to convince the crowd that they are in fact the coach? Everyone on the sideline seems to be employing a prop. Three students from the EMT training class are wearing dark blue work pants and polo shirts with snake and 6-point cross embroidered on the chest. Their prop is the stethoscope draped casually around their shoulders. The cheerleader have their short skirts and pom poms. In the grandstands handful of girls carry their own version of a prop, a baby, and bags of diapers and formula.

The game and parade march on. The sun is down now and everything looks vaguely dreamlike bathed in yellowish artificial light. Mosquitoes are hovering and landing all over everyone. The result is the sporadic of clapping of hands on arms, legs and necks that can almost be mistaken for applause.

Two police detectives sit casually in the back row of the stands. They are dressed in t-shirts and jeans but their too recent hair cuts betray their purpose here even more than the radios and handcuffs sticking out the bottoms of their shirts.

On the field it is a never ending string of touchdowns and kickoff returns, interceptions, fumbles and kickoff returns. Occasionally there is an end zone dance every 12 minutes on the clock, they switch sides.

At halftime the parade on the sidewalk around the track swells to include 90 percent of the crowd. For some unknown reason the marching band does not play tonight. Instead, in the stands, there is a leaderless 8 person drum group that seems to be made of of middle school kids. They are wearing black jeans and black t-shirts, drums hanging from dirty white leather straps. The no-show marching band has made these kids the stars of the halftime show. There are no baton twirling majorettes or trombonists in tall plumed hats too steal their thunder tonight.

The second half is more of the same. Kickoff returns and fumbles. Touchdowns and interceptions. When a player is injured everyone on both sidelines takes a knee. The three EMT students run purposefully onto the field. A cheerleader runs onto the field. The player's mother comes to the fence. After a minute, he limps off the field flanked by the EMT students and their stethoscopes. They crowd hardly seems to notice.

The teams switch sides one final time. The line for the concession stand grows shorter. In the parking lots around the field, a few cars with rattling trunk lids and holes in their exhaust pipes start to come back to life. Tail light bulbs illuminate red plastic and packing tape.

The parade is suddenly less aimless, it has become more purposeful. It now moves in only one direction; toward the parking lot.

The New Gig

2007-10-03T12:50:00.000-05:00

Today is officially the first day of the rest of the semester, Ms. Brighton began her maternity leave.

She left behind 5 computer classes and a senior seminar, separate detailed calenders of work to be done by each class from now until the end of the semester and an eponymous website where students can find specific assignments. This woman is organized.

My job is to show up each morning, remind the students to look at their class calender and check Ms. Brighton's website, sign hall passes and watch them do their work.

I'm gonna be great at this.

Been Awhile

2007-10-02T07:42:00.000-05:00

So I haven't posted lately. That's because I've been focusing on empowering the souls and shaping the minds of St. Louis's High School students. That and reading, and going to lunch, and researching $250 camcorders.

Mostly though I've been working with the autistic students, where I don't have access to a desk or a computer. My job has been to work one on one with a couple of different students who require their own teachers aide, Mr. Awesome.

One student has loud short outburst every minute or so, grabs peoples arms, jumps out of his chair and is constantly knocking on the nearest hard surface. My job is to ask him to be quiet and try to keep him in his chair. When he is really wound up, part of his therapy is playing catch. Tossing a koosh ball back and forth with a non verbal 17 year old is a great way to spend a half an hour.

The other student who I work one on one with requires a lot more attention from me. Whenever you look away he quietly gets out of his seat and runs away. In the first two days of school this year, before the teachers realized he was a runner, he was able to get away from the teachers and outside of the autism wing 5 times. In middle school he once made it out his school and was found inside the St. Louis Science Center which was nearby. When I'm working with Charles my day is a lot like playing a game of slow motion tackle football with a 210 pound toddler. In other words, its fun.

Locked In. Locked Out.

2007-09-11T13:13:00.000-05:00

Its starting to look like I have a job at Gateway everyday until Christmas break.

<Fire Alarm is Pulled. After about a minute the principal comes on the intercom and announces that it was a false alarm. The first floor is already outside. Ten minutes later the shouting outside subsides. I guess the first floor is back inside the building if not inside their classrooms.>

Currently I am supposed to be subbing for a teachers aide in the autism program who is out recovering from surgery for the next few weeks. Its a pretty good assignment. The ratio of adults to students in the autism program is about 1:4 as opposed to 1:30 in the rest of the school. Other perks include free cafeteria breakfast and lunch, air conditioning, getting paid to color, regular field trips to the YMCA and an 18 minute shorter school day. Drawbacks include, occasional boredom, much less Internet surfing and novel reading, semi regular outbursts of screaming and violence from the students, and one student who has his hand down his pants for pretty much the entire school day.

I am no expert on autism. But it seems to me that the number one symptom autism is quirkiness. Interesting quirks on display by the students of Gateway's autism program include, memorizing the TV guide, talking in a cartoonish voice at all times, memorizing the flavors and sizes of sodas available at every fast food restaurant, pouring entire cartons of milk on the floor and laughing hysterically, talking in the third person, not talking at all, humming, spinning in circles, pinching substitutes, and intentionally falling down and then accusing the nearest person of tripping you, just to name a few.

Yesterday when I arrived in the morning one of the teachers in the Autism program told me that a student was outside in the parking lot and refusing to come inside the building. There was already a real teacher outside dealing with the situation but he thought I might be able to help.

The student was one of the two in the program that speaks at all times in a cartoon voice. As I approached the situation I heard, "I Hate Gateway. You stupid teachers," in a helium sing-song that could only sound natural coming from a cartoon squirrel. The student had sat down on a set of outdoor stairs and was grasping hold of the banister making it known that he would not be moved. After 15 minutes of coaxing and countless unconvincing outcries of cartoonish dismay, we managed to bring the student inside.

The free cafeteria breakfast of biscuits and sausage had the delicious taste of a job well done.

Everyday's a New Day

2007-09-06T15:34:00.000-05:00

Monday was Labor Day.

Tuesday was a half day because of excessive heat. For the entire first period (a quarter of the shortened day), the principal, vice principle and I took turns trying to find a key to open Ms. Mcdonald's room. For the entire 50 minutes we tested every key on three comically over sized key rings. When none of them worked, we tried them all again. When none of them worked again, I moved to an empty classroom that wasn't more secure than Fort Knox.

Yesterday I played a game of chess against an autistic student. I won. Barely.

Today, for the second time in my subbing career, I got payed $93 dollars to follow a student named Steven to all his classes. Steven uses crutches to get around but he is perfectly self sufficient. Nonetheless The District demands that someone shadow him at all times. Being a substitute shadow is like getting paid $93 to go to one day of High School. And you don't even have to pay attention.

Excessive Heat Warning

2007-08-28T13:51:00.000-05:00

No wonder Mr. Cook decided not to come in to work today. Room 401 South is hotter than the surface of a microwaved gas station burrito, but the classroom doesn't share the burrito's icy cold center.

The fact that schools without air-conditioning are forced to open in the middle of the hottest month of the year should be an indicator that the American educational system has truly lost its way. Apparently no amount of Masters Degrees and Doctorates can convince the bigwigs at the Board of Education that it's usually pretty fucking hot in August.

2007-08-27T12:54:00.000-05:00

I spent days 2-5 of the new school year working in the book room with Ms. Fanning. Together we checked out over 4,000 textbooks. With the long lines and finicky bar code scanners it was a lot like my short stint working as a supermarket checker.

This was my first assignment, in three years of subbing, to fill a position other than 'classroom teacher.' It was an important first step. One day I'll get the call to sub for the elevator operator, or god willing, a school security officer. My fingers are crossed.

New School Year Day 1

2007-08-20T13:02:00.000-05:00

Monday, August 20th 2007. I lumber groggily back into the lives of St. Louis's youth.

I got a call late last week to ensure my presence at The Gateway Institute of Technology bright and early Monday morning. Sunday night I packed my book bag with reading materials, a water bottle and change for the snack machine. I was in bed snoozing before the end of the late local news.

In the St. Louis Public Schools summer vacation lasts for at least two weeks after the first tardy bell is rung. The first week is spent trying to get students into a school building, then out of the hallways, then into a classroom by any means necessary. The second week is spent checking to see if any of the students happened to land in the building and classroom where they actually belong.

Having already learned this pertinent info about the start of the school year, I know not to be too ambitious about academics on the first few days of school. My goal for the first week is to try to get comfortable being awake between the hours of 6:00 a.m. and noon.

What Me Procrastinate?

2007-07-16T16:34:00.000-05:00

Good Afternoon,

Today is July 16th. The school year has been over for a month and a half. It has taken me exactly this long to decompress.

Since we last spoke, The St. Louis Public Schools have officially lost their accreditation. The district is in turmoil and the future of the students is in question.

But the situation is not hopeless. I'll be back in September.

Reality

2007-05-10T11:52:00.000-05:00

Yes, I have been working. I let myself get suckered into another continuing sub job. The job has stolen my blogging thunder.

I've been filling in for Mr. Catchings for 3 weeks now and there are 3 more to go until the last day of classes. My life as a continuing sub is a far cry from my carefree existence as an unattached, day to day sub. Gone are the 4 hour novel reading sessions and 90 minute lunches. They've been replaced with lesson planning and paper grading. Being a teacher sucks.

When I first got into subbing I thought it would be a good way to see if I might want to be a real teacher. I quickly realized that being a sub is no way try out teaching. Subbing isn't teaching, its maintaining an acceptable adult to student ratio for insurance purposes.

I've had continuing jobs before, I started this year with a month in a Math classroom. I've also had continuing jobs 'teaching' Chemistry and Engineering. Mr. Catchings teaches English and Journalism. It's the first time I've felt qualified to teach what I'm supposed to be teaching. When the principal approached my about the job, it was supposed to last for 2 weeks. I jumped at the chance to get my feet wet in a classroom I felt qualified to teach. What a mistake.

Did you know that 10th graders in the St. Louis Public Schools can hardly read and write? Its true. But to be fair, they are remarkably adept at copying and pasting entire Wikipedia entries and signing their names to them.

I think that a reasonable goal for the rest of the year might be to teach my students why only an idiot, a real world class shit for brains, would turn in a Wikipedia entry with their name on it.

I'm working on a lecture for the last day of a class with a working title of "How to do 10 hours of actual school work all year long and graduate Valedictorian." I may still make an impression on these kids yet.

Friday! Friday! Friday!

2007-04-26T07:58:00.000-05:00

Gateway High has finished MAP testing for the 2007 school year. The students took the tests seriously and performed to the best of their abilities. The administration figures that this calls for a reward. So each day this week, for the last period of the day, there is a special program instead of normal classes.

Tuesday: A concert by the gospel choir and jazz band.

Wednesday: A visit from the 104.1 FM The Beat Hot Squad, featuring performances by Young Dip and Ludy.

Thursday: Juniors vs. Faculty volleyball game.

Friday: Seniors vs. Faculty basketball game.

So far so good. On Tuesday as the jazz band was packing up their instruments and the students were filing out of the auditorium a flying white Reebok came about four inches from nailing me in the chin. And yesterday, the leader of 104.1 FM's hot squad questionably judged in favor of the boys in the battle of the sexes dance off. Sure, the boys were good, but i think 104.1 may need to invest in a new applause-o-meter.

I'm filling the teachers desk in ISS again today so I don't think I'll be attending the Juniors vs. Faculty volleyball game this afternoon. But my name is #10 on the faculty sign up list for the game on Friday. I wonder if the principal will mind if I teach teach in gym shorts and a sleeveless T-shirt.

Moments in Our Lives

2007-04-23T13:45:00.000-05:00

Due to a severe teacher shortage this morning, I was pulled out of my on going assignment teaching English and Journalism and thrust into the familiar role of in school jail warden.

A student in in school suspension is allowed to leave the classroom four times all day. Three teacher lead, whole class bathroom breaks and lunch.

During our second bathroom break I lead inmates numbers 1-8 down the hall to the boy's room. When we arrived at the 4th floor West boys room there were already three 'free' students hanging out. After a couple of minutes of pissing, hand washing and rough housing, the 'free' students had left and we were ready to head back to ISS.

As the 6th of my 8 inmates went out the bathroom door into the hallway, one of the 'free' students pegged him in the chest with an overfilled red water balloon. The payload was large enough that I received a fair splash from my position at the back of the line. The water balloon chucker joyously watched his balloon explode, raised his hands in victory and then took off sprinting down the hallway.

Another moment in the exciting life of a substitute teacher.

An Exerpt From Today's St. Louis Post Dispatch

2007-04-18T09:48:00.000-05:00

"A substitute teacher on Wednesday, read the days lesson plan and started to show the students what was supposed to be an instructional video about volcanoes.

When the video tape began to play, pornographic images appeared on the screen. The substitute teacher promptly shielded the screen away from the students and immediately stopped the tape.

In a letter sent home to the parents of students in the classroom where the incident occurred, Orchard Farm High School Principal Timothy McInnes said, 'Although students were exposed to inappropriate material for approximately 15 seconds, this event demonstrated a profound error in judgement on the part of the regular classroom teacher.'"

A profound error in judgement? Talk about engaging your students...

Maybe the regular classroom teacher was just ahead of her time with her unorthodox teaching methods. After all, I doesn't matter which 15 seconds of porn you watch, you're going to see some volcanoes.

Eu-gug-il-izer

2007-04-13T11:05:00.000-05:00

My main man Kurt Vonnegut is dead, no thanks to the years of cigarette smoking that he hoped would expedite the process.

I'd like to thank Kurt for writing the books that gave me many perfect days of substitute teaching. Every time I reported to the main office with one of his worn pocket paperbacks in my backpack, I was ensured that my next couple of days of subbing would fly by and be filled with hilarity.

On the day that I re-read Slaughterhouse Five for the first time since I kind of read it in high school, I found myself disrupting the very class that I was supposed to be in control of by bursting into a fit of uncontrollable laughter as Billy Pilgrim marched through Dresden in his woman's fur coat and shiny boots. The Students thought I was crazy for laughing at a book. I thought the same thing when I was in school. So it goes.

My high school had something called the Newman Prize. It was a contest in which every 11th grader had the opportunity to write an essay about the 5 living Americans they would most like to meet and why. The student who wrote the most compelling essay was then afforded, at the expense of the Newman Committee, the opportunity to meet one of the people on their list.

When I was in 11th grade I didn't enter the Newman Prize. At that time in my life, there was no one in the world, living or dead, that I wanted to meet badly enough that I would write an essay in order to meet them.

If suddenly I was to become unstuck in time, and found myself back in the 11th grade, I would enter the Newman Prize. Kurt Vonnegut Jr. would be at the top of my list.

Pointless, but Fun.

2007-04-05T14:08:00.000-05:00

I didn't teach a single class today, and it wasn't because I was slacking. My job for the day was to escort a student, who uses crutches to to get around, from class to class. When the Principal told me that what I was going to be doing today, it sounded pretty important. Then I met Dave. I was about as much help to Dave as a lead ball and chain around his ankle. He is totally self sufficient and crutches from class to class faster than any other student, except the nerdy kids with the 50 lb backpacks that seem to be at their next class almost before they left their last one. Yet for some reason the St. Louis Public School District requires that Dave have an escort at all times. Dave's normal pilot fish was unable to attend today so they called up Mr. Awesome.

At 7:15am when we walked from the cafeteria to Dave's first period class I realized that I was totally superfluous. I asked Dave if there was anything he needed me to do for him. He said something like "All Ms. Collins does is follow me around." We understood each other. I wouldn't do anything except try not to embarrass him.

That's how I got to play the role of a high school student on the last day of school before Easter break. I'd show up to a classroom, announce to the teacher that I was "with Dave" and grab a desk. First period we watched part of The Fighting Temptations in Choir. Second period Dave and I had the mathematics section of the MAP test, I opted out of the test and read the newspaper instead. Fourth period we finished up Pirates of the Caribbean 2 in Ms. Bowen's class. Fifth period Mr. E had us do a worksheet. Sixth period was a free day in Mr. Pilau's class and seventh period we surfed the Internet in the computer lab until the front desk called and let us know that Dave's bus was early. Thanks for a great day, Dave. I'll be your parasite anytime.

This Much is For Sure

2007-03-26T14:04:00.000-06:00

My 26th birthday was over spring break. The weather is starting to get nice. Birds are chirping. My beard's starting to fill in. It's not pitch black when I wake up in the morning. The St. Louis Public Schools lost it's accreditation and middle school kids are still my relentless tormentors.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Lost Seinfeld Episode: "The Iron Chef"

2007-03-14T13:29:00.000-06:00

My friend Brian Tunney, who is also kind of my "boss" at my other "job" which is unpaid and doesn't involve substitute teaching, has a blog. On it right now is a bunch of fictional Seinfeld plotlines that he wrote. I was so inspired reading them that I had to steal his idea and write my own at shool today. Here it is:

Jerry is dating a woman named Cynthia Pazole who is an executive at cable television's Food TV. She is over at Jerry's apartment when Kramer barges in looking to borrow some Italian parsley. He is making a "a simple, classic veal spedini." Cynthia is impressed with Kramer’s ambitious cooking an offers him a position as sue chef to Mario Batali on one episode of Iron Chef America. Kramer jumps at the opportunity explaining that he "has a long history in the restaurant industry." Jerry with knowing skepticism replies "Is that right?" To which Kramer replies "I've been a technician at H&H bagels off and on for the last 20 years and I once almost opened a pizzeria."

George is dismayed that his nice leather work shoes have finally fallen apart and are now unwearable after being worn to work every single day since graduating from college. When shopping for a replacement pair with Elaine, who has a crush on the shoe salesman, George is disgusted to find that all the work shoes on the market "are made with as much craftsmanship as a wet paper bag." George starts to storm out of the store when he notices a pair of orange rubber sandals in a corner. The shoe salesman explains that they are called Crocs and are probably the most comfortable and durable footwear ever created, but no one in there right mind would wear them in a work environment. George purchases them right then and there much to Elaine's embarrassment.

George wears his new orange Crocs everywhere, including the coffee shop where Jerry, Kramer and Elaine are having lunch. Upon noticing George's footwear Jerry pushes his tuna fish sandwich away in disgust and announces "I think I just lost my appetite." Kramer is quick to defend George's Crocs on the grounds that they look "as comfortable as my wooly slippers." George explains to the group that he has never been happier with a pair of shoes and that his friends had better get used to them because he is going to be wearing them all the time now, even to work.

Inspired by George's example of "exercising his right to comfortable footwear," Kramer starts wearing his wooly slippers all around town. He even wears them to the taping of Iron Chef America where he meets Iron Chef Mario Batali just seconds before the battle begins. Kramer notices that the Iron Chef is wearing orange Crocs. Assuming that the Iron Chef is also an afficionado of comfortable foot wear Kramer shows the Iron Chef that he is wearing his wooly slippers on greasy floors of kitchen stadium. The Iron Chef is visibly taken aback, as the timer begins he sets down his knife muttering dejectedly, "I think I just lost my appetite."

Check out Brian's blog at www.assblasters.org

Prom Theme Ideas with Mr. Awesome

2007-03-08T08:39:00.000-06:00

Its second period right now and I have a small group of juniors in an advanced biology class. They are talking about prom. Renting limos, getting hotel rooms, hair styles, prom themes.

The Gateway prom this year is downtown at The Renaissance Grand Hotel. I'm not sure if a final decision has been made on the theme but everyone in this classroom is leaning towards, 007.

A James Bond themed prom is an alright idea, especially for the class of 2007, but I suggested another, better prom theme. A Night in the Gymnasium.

Imagine decorating the Renaissance Grand's main ballroom with basketball hoops and bacteria laden blue wrestling mats. Throw up a couple of mock state champion banners in the rafters and it would be like having your prom in an actual highschool gymnasium. The non-athletic kids could refuse to dress and sit in the bleachers like they do in gym class instead of having to stand awkwardly around the punch bowl. The best part is A Night in the Gymnasium has a built in fail safe mechanism. If the dancing and romancing never really takes off, you can always bust out a couple of basketballs and get everybody into a giant game of knockout in formal wear.

If my theme idea works out I am ready and willing to chaperon prom in a Nike jogging suit with a whistle around my neck. It would be my pleasure.

Proof Positive

2007-03-05T11:29:00.000-06:00

That I rule as a substitute teacher:

Today four different students tried to sneak in to In School Suspension. Not a single one tried to sneak out.

The Plan of No Plan

2007-02-26T13:37:00.000-06:00

Every sch0ol is different. Every classroom is different. Every class is different.

I spent all day today in a 9th grade physical science classroom. I had six different classes over the course of the day and in the process of interacting with them I experienced the complete spectrum of human emotion. Unfortunately since seventh period just ended, the only emotion I can actually recall is seething visceral annoyance.

An inherent danger with this job is finding yourself in a confined space with 30 fourteen year old students who are actively trying to piss you off. When I find myself in this situation I try to keep cool, remain objective and devise a plan. I'm not a yeller. Well, that's not true. I yell in joy, not in anger. I don't thrive on conflict and I don't gain any pleasure from getting people in trouble. Most of the time, ignoring the problem seems to be the plan that works out the best for me. Its amazing how sitting at the desk, opening a book and pretending like all is well with the world can take the vinegar right out of a problem class. This is not a plan that is going to incite the students to do their work, but as a sub that is hardly your concern. Your concern as a sub is to avoid 'oh shit' situations. Sadly it is in these 'oh shit' situations that the plan of no plan is definitively not appropriate.

Do you have $30? Do you want to live?

2007-02-21T18:27:00.000-06:00

Its 7:15 and it looks like I won't be working. Then the phone rings. The system offers me a job teaching gym at my favorite school. Its light outside and the first bell rings in 5 minutes.

I get to school about 7:40 and go to unlock the gym. Mr. Thompson's schedule shows that I don't have any students until 9:30.

When I was out of town this weekend I spent every afternoon flying Air Hog R/C planes. I discovered that it is the greatest thing in the world. The entire time I was yearning for the day I would have the opportunity to fly one inside the gymnasium.

By 8:45 I'm back from Target with a fully charged Aero Ace. The air is calm except for the bumble bee whine of the twin electric propellers. Gracefully the Aero Ace carves the placid air. My spirit soars on Styrofoam wings 5, 10, 15 minutes at a time. I'm getting paid $91 dollars for LIVING.

I Doubt It

2007-02-20T14:46:00.000-06:00

Student: "Congratulations man, you're the most boring sub in the world."

Its my job to entertain the students? I always thought it was the other way around.

EMERGENCY HALF DAY!

2007-02-13T16:54:00.000-06:00

It snowed today.

The cafeteria served lunch at 9:30 a.m.

Toasted ravioli at 9:35.

At home in bed at 10:45.

A good day at the office.

p.s. I'm taking a 6 day weekend in D.C. this weekend. See you rubes on Tuesday.

The Line of Fire

2007-02-08T13:29:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, for the first time in two and a half years of subbing in one of the worst school districts in the country, I was scared.

I was standing in front of a girl with a pair of scissors in each hand. She had both scissors fully opened gripping, with each hand, one blade and one handle so that they could be used as a slashing weapon. She was blindly going after the much bigger girl that had just come into my classroom and called her out for talking shit.

It has occured to me before, but never so clearly, that as a substitute teacher, you are powerless. In the event of some sort of disturbance your options are: 1) Call security, this supposes that you know the number and that the phone in your classroom actually works. 2) Go to the next door classroom and ask for help.

The thing you are never allowed to do is to put your hands on a student.

With this in mind I watched a 130 pound freshman girl grab two scissors from a tupperware container, open them, wrap her fingers around the blades and walk out of my classroom. As soon as I realized what was going on, I ran into the hallway, yelled for security and positioned my body in front of the armed, purposfully walking freshman. I don't know what I said to her, but I know she was unresponsive. Luckily, I was able to keep my body between her and the other girl for about 20 seconds before most of my class and then the neighboring teacher spilled out into the hallway. When the bigger girl who had instigated the fight by comming into my classroom saw the other teacher she took off and the other girl with the scissors didn't chase.

For two or three minutes afterwards, even as she was talking to the teacher from next door, the girl couldn't let go of the scissors. Finally a security guard came to the room and soon after the assistant principal and they took the girl to the office.

No blood was spilled. I'll be waiting for some sort of medal of distinction.

Mr. Awesome, Esquire

2007-02-07T13:30:00.000-06:00

Second period I had a student leave the room on a hallpass to the assistant principals office. When she came back, she handed me the pass and asked me, "Mr. Lee what is 'pressing charges?'"

At that moment, if only for a second, my job felt like it had actual gravity.

I shared with her my basic understanding of what it means to press charges. Then she told me that she had been in a fight with 4 other girls almost a month ago and had just been informed by the assistant principal that one of the girls was pressing charges. I told her that as long as no one was seriously hurt it probably wouldn't amount to much outside of the school, but if anything did come of it, to try and get a lawyer.

How much is legal advice worth when its comming from a substitute teacher? I don't know exactly. But amatuer legal advice comes included in my $91 day rate. That much would buy you about a minute and a half with an actual lawyer.

It Happened After Lunch

2007-01-31T13:09:00.000-06:00

Its 12:45 and I'm on my way back to my classroom after spending a relaxing hour and twenty minute lunch break eating free pizza at the Imo's where I used to deliver pizzas. On the way to my room I stoped in the bathroom to wash the pizza sauce from under my fingernails. As I was drying my hands a sixth grader walked into the bathroom. I threw away my paper towels and started to walk out. Halfway out the door I decided to go back in and blow my nose. As I reached for another paper towel I noticed that I've startled the sixth grader. He seemed to be checking which stall to use but then relized that I hadn't left and stood awkwardly near the sinks. Thinking nothing of it, I blew my nose, threw away the towel and went to my classroom.

About five minutes passed before the bell rang for 7th period. The halls filled with students and I went to my door to keep an eye on the hallways like subs are supposed to do. My classroom for today is the second to last at the end of a hallway. Imediately past my door is a set of five steps up to Ms. Lincoln's Language Arts room and across from that is Ms. Smiths vocal music room. With the halls full of students I started to notice that students keep walking past my room with their shirts over their noses, walking halfway up the steps and then turning around and running back to their friends talking about how gross it smells. I didn't smell anything. But one after another kids keeping asking who did it. The hallway is echoing with 'smelt it dealt its' and 'copped a squats.' Then One student asks me if know who did it. I told the kid that I didn't even smell anything. I'm thinking to myself when did 'cop a squat' start meaning the same thing as 'cut the cheese.'

Class begins and I'm trying to get the students in their seats. Now I'm hearing things like 'it was a sixth grader' and 'she stepped in it.' It a pretty small class and I'm subbing at the best middle school in the district. The kids here know me and love me so I decide to go ahead and ask.

"What are you guys talking about?"

I'm blinded by 20 eighth graders eyes lighting up simultaneously. The room erupts with energy. They tell me that during 8th grade lunch a sixth grader took a shit in front of Ms. Lincoln's door and when she left her room she stepped in it. My mind races. I picture a little pile of turds in front of the classroom door to my right. Then I picture hard ass Ms. Lincoln getting up from her desk making her way out the door and stepping in a steaming pile of 6th grader turds.

The fact is I believe it. Despite everything in my mind that says its not possible, not at this school. I still believe it, the kids seem so sure. Then theres the suspicious 6th grader in the bathroom. Was he deciding which stall he was going to use, or was he fishing for ammo.

Quote

2007-01-29T12:07:00.000-06:00

"Mr. Lee, can I borrow your pen so I can bust into this cabinet?"

The Old Man in the Third Row

2007-01-26T10:30:00.000-06:00

A 29 year old sex offender was recently discovered posing as a 7th grade student at a middle school in Pheonix. He was enrolled in the school as a student by a 61 year old sex offender posing as his grandfather.

Sounds impossible, right?

I thought so too until I had a 45 year old in my first period class today. I almost asked him if he was a co-teacher from the special ed department. Before I started subbing I briefly worked as a cashier at a grocery store. If this kid had come through my line with a case of whiskey and a carton of Marlboro Reds I wouldnt have even thought about carding him. As a matter of fact, if our store had had a senior discount, I probably would have given it to him without even asking.

The strangest thing was that he asked me to get involved when two other students took his pencil and wouldn't give it back. The kid looked like a hard drinking highway worked who had spent the last 25 years busting concrete with an air hammer. I'd like to think that looking like a grizzed old man would be enough protection against bullies stealing your pencil. Apparently not. No one is safe in this district not even veteran highway workers in the magnet schools.

One for the History Books

2007-01-18T13:55:00.000-06:00

Thursday January 18th, 2007. Central Vision and Performing Arts High School. Piano Teacher. A day for the history books.

1st period: Room 418. 45 kids (two classes) in a room with about 25 chairs, two pianos and various assorted string instruments. One student stepped on a violin. The assistant principle called the room twice after hearing stampeding noises to make sure I was ok.

2nd period: Room 320. 2 students in a room with a baby grand piano and 11 electric pianos. Brandon, Kiara and I had conversation. An actual conversation mostly about why I have a college degree, work as a substitute teacher, am 25 years old and still live with my parents.

3rd period: Room 320. At least 3 electric pianos going at one time for the entire fifty minutes. For the last ten minutes or so Darius was singing freestyle R&B to the skillfull accompaniment of Sean. Students would shout out something like "Valentines Day" and Darius would just wail on some hilarious made up lyrics. The entire class was in stiches.

4th Period: Had a student named Yassir. All the other students call him "Yes Sir."

2nd Lunch and 5th period: 90 minute lunch at the White Castle on South Kingshighway with the Dirty Old Man Coffee Club. I got a #1 with a medium Coke and an extra White Castle. Total $4.98.

6th Period: Room 320. A very difficult class. Ms. Mckay, a soft spoken older white woman, was in the room as a co-teacher. One student asked Ms. Mckay why she "was all old and wrinkled," another student called her "blood." At one point i sat down behind the teachers desk and my chair bumped a treble clef white board causing it to fall on my head. Every student in the room was literally on the floor laughing. This was the singular moment of my entire subbing career. Devistatingly hilarious.

7th Period: Room 320. A very well behaved group of four students practice silently with head phones while i write this.

FIGHT!

2007-01-18T10:24:00.002-06:00

Wednesday, for the third time in two and a half years of subbing, I had a fight start in my classroom. Girl vs. Boy, One flipped over desk, no blood and no phone in the room to call security. They were in the hallway and not my problem in about 45 seconds. The security guard told me later that the two kids who were fighting were girlfriend and boyfriend so there was no need to worry. It was a nice gesture on her part, but the district doesn't pay me enough to worry.

Continuing Education

2007-01-16T10:24:00.000-06:00

The key to success as a substitute teacher in the St. Louis Public Schools is an ability to understand todays High School student. In most cases, the better a sub understands their students the easier their job will be. Accordingly, from time to time, I engage in activities that give me a better understanding of the the lives of my students. Whether this means disscussing cell phone planes in mind-numbing detail, listening to 100.3 The Beat, or having Tony Montana airbrushed onto the back of my jacket, I am willing to do almost anything to improve myself as a substitute.

Last friday, in the interest of professional development, I went to see the opening night showing of Stomp The Yard at The Esquire. All I learned for sure is that somebody at the district office owes me seven dollars.

Letters to the Editor

2007-01-11T15:51:00.000-06:00

I wrote a letter to the editor of the Post today at school. Keep your eyes peeled for it in this weeks Metro section. The story was about a kid at Farmington High School who got suspended for wearing a Confederate flag T-shirt to school. Everyone knows the Confederate flag is not cool, unless it appears on a flaked out 1970's motorcycle helmet.

Here is my letter in case it never appears in the St. Louis Post Dispatch.

Kudos to Bryce Archambo and Robert Scaggs, the freshman freedom fighters of Farmington High School (Confederate flag case leads to second suspension, Jan 11, 2007.) Its about time somebody blew the whistle on that oppressive Yankee jail house.

High School is supposed to a place where students and faculty alike are allowed to express their each and every feeling, no matter how unpopular or offensive. It’s unfathomable that Farmington High feels it has the power to restrict what its students might wear to school. Such restrictions amount to a thinly veiled dress code. A dress code in a school? Is this Farmington or Nazi Germany?

I encourage all the High School students who may be reading this, all five or six of them, to follow Bryce and Roberts lead. Does your school restrict what you wear and how you act at school? Are you required to wear a shirt and shoes even in July when its 90 degrees and there’s no air conditioning at summer school? If so, your school is flagrantly trampling your freedom of expression. Call the ACLU, hand out some fliers and start litigating. It’s the American way. And It’ll be more of an education than you could ever get in four years of High School, or even five.

A History of Greatness

2007-01-09T15:17:00.000-06:00

In the 1930's my Grandfather went to Soldan Highschool. He was a star athlete who won All State honors in four sports.

In 2007 his Grandson went to Soldan Highschool. He was a substitute teacher. There are no All State honors given to substitute teachers. If there were, he certainly would have won at least one. Probably for "Most Handsome." Or Possibly for "Patchiest Beard."

Grim Realities

2007-01-05T09:57:00.000-06:00

All break long I knew it would happen eventually, I just wasn't sure when... My phone started ringing again at 5:30 on Tuesday morning.

Gerald Ford was dead and the entire nation was remembering him on a federally sanctioned day of mourning. The entire nation except for the St. Louis Public School District. We were open for business.

Superintendent Dr. Diana Bourisaw had this to say about it on the SLPS website, "While our students will be in school during the national day of mourning for former President Gerald R. Ford, I encourage teachers to discuss with students the accomplishments of our country's 38th president."

If I had been asked to make a comment on the districts decision to stay open against the will of the federal government it would have read:

"It comes as no surprise that the St. Louis Public Schools flagrantly shit on the memory of the only American President never to be elected into the office of President, or Vice President. Several months ago when Gerald Ford became the longest living of all American Presidents, The District commemorated the occasion by showing an Americas Funniest Home Videos style video montage of President Ford tripping over things, falling down, and generally humiliating himself. The special assembly was called 'Proof That Even an SLPS Student Could Be President Some Day."

See You Next Year

2006-12-18T14:35:00.000-06:00

Its winter break dudes!

A Day Off. Sort of.

2006-12-12T11:00:00.000-06:00

Jury Duty is an opportunity to sit in a room with 200 people who would rather be literally anwhere else in the world. The magazines are old, the people are ugly and the down time is daunting-- for most people. Being a Substitute Teacher, I am uniquely well suited for the rigors of getting paid a nominal wage to sit in a room with nothing to do. I dressed in my Substitue uniform, brought my substitue bag packed with my substitue breakfast and substitute books. It was like any other day, I even got an 85 minute lunch. The only downside was that my lunch cost $8.26. That's 82.6% of my pay for the day. Throw in the $1 worth of Laffy Taffy I bought at World News and I walked with $.74 for the day.

Another Kick in the Balls

2006-12-08T12:56:00.000-06:00

I should learn not to come to school in the morning with high hopes.

As I was leaving school yesterday, the assistant principal asked me to come in today to cover for one of the aviation teachers. I went to sleep last night with visions of hanging out in helicopter cockpits and playing touch football with my old pals the aviation majors.

The aviation majors at Gateway go to High School for five years and spend the last three years training to be certified by the FAA. For those three years they're in their own seperate wing of the school, which is literally an airplane hangar, full of airplanes, helicopters and pnuematic tools. There is no switching classes. They spend all day in the hangar.

In the absence of an FAA certified teacher there is literally nothing the students can do for credit. So last time I subbed for one of the aviation teachers, we built a tire swing in the morning, went to White Castle as a class at lunch time, and played touch football all afternoon. Considering that the hangar is 5 minute walk from the main office, as long as no one gets hurt, and nothing expensive gets broken, pretty much anything goes. Its like a beautiful dream.

I woke up from that dream this morning at the front office when the assistant principal told me that both aviation teachers were absent so there was no reason to have class in the hangar. Instead, would I mind taking both classes to the library? All day. Do you hear that? That's the sound of an idealistic young man getting his heart broken.

Uninspired

2006-12-07T13:43:00.000-06:00

I should be easy to come up with something interesting to write today. I watched a security guard twist a students ear in the back of my classroom, after waiting for her boss to leave. I said 'what's up' to the kid that stabbed me a couple of weeks ago. I read three newspapers, a magazine written by and for St. Louis Highschool students, and 50 pages of Fear and Loathing In America. I saw a girl lay down in the middle of the classroom floor to get her picture taken. I saw a girl get her hair done, complete with rollers and hot water. Its two in the afternoon and its 18 degrees outside. I comfiscated "J'Robs Mix 12/3/06." I watched the last 50 minutes of The Island and the first 50 minutes of Glory, twice. And I went to White Castle. But I havn't got much to say.

Maybe I'm just distracted by the 33 students in the room with me right now. Anything over 25 students my job is just to make sure that there is no need to call the ambulance.

Check back tommorow. I'll be teaching kids to work on helicopters. FAA certification be damned, Mr. Humphrey is going to be absent and the aviation majors deserve to learn.

Alive and Well

2006-12-06T09:26:00.000-06:00

Thank you for your concern, but no, I am not dead. I was just enjoying my snow days.

The power is back on now, the busses are running and the students are overjoyed to be back in their classrooms. There is hardly even enough snow left to make a decent snow ball.

On Monday, at Mckinley, some students and I compared sledding stories. I told them about our several failed attempts at starting a bonfire despite bringing both an Eagle Scout and a gallon of mix gas to the sledding hill.

My first major regret of this school year is that I forgot to bring home a potrait that a student drew of me on Monday. I can see it now, still sitting on Mr. Muhammeds desk. I can only hope that Mr. Muhammed realizes that somethings are too important to just throw away. Maybe he'll get sick again tommorow and I'll get a chance to claim whats mine. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

The Day Is Long And The Notebook Is Empty

2006-11-28T11:23:00.000-06:00

Ever since I saw Jerry Seinfeld's movie Comedian, I have had it in my mind to start tinkering with a standup comedy routine. That was years ago and somehow it took me until today to realize that substitute teaching is the perfect job to have while working on a routine. Seven different captive audiences of 20 to 30 bored teenagers every day. The only question is, would they rather do worksheets or watch Mr.Lee embarass himself? The sad thing is that I honestly don't know the answer to that question.

The highschool environment is rich with potential material, school lunches, pregnant girls, pep rallies, homework, in-school, Mr. Walter's breath and on and on. The only real problem is going to be finding a replacemant for the butt sex jokes that everyone knows are the heart and soul of good comedy.

Taking The "Pal" Out Of Principal

2006-11-27T14:06:00.000-06:00

Friday came and went and there was no basketball game. The principal dangled the carrot and gave us all the stick. Now I'm really questioning why I went into subbing in the first place.

I was so disgusted with Gateway after the basketball game psych-out that I went to work at Roosevelt today. There are 1,100 students at Roosevelt. 850 of them have a GPA of less than 2.0. Yikes. But on the plus side, their sports teams are called the Rough Riders.

2006-11-21T12:02:00.000-06:00

Game On.

The Big Game

2006-11-20T14:40:00.000-06:00

My only goal for this week is to earn a spot on the team for the annual Seniors vs. Faculty Basketball Game. I'll do whatever it takes. Whatever it takes

Hallway Literature.

2006-11-16T13:47:00.000-06:00

A partial list of the witty T-shirt slogans students were wearing today:

I ride the short bus

All this and brains too

I'm not unmotivated
I'm just lazy

It's my birthday
Who wants a piece?

Keep laughing
this is your girlfriends T-shirt

And then there's the shirt that Terrance wore to school today.

I may not be Mr. Right
but i'll fuck you
until he shows up

Somewhere out there in a huge suburban home, a witty screenshop employee turned mulit-millionaire is sipping Bud Selects with his huge chested wife and thanking God for Chinese made T-shirts and highschool kids with disposable income.

Senior Awesome.

2006-11-15T13:11:00.000-06:00

The countless hours I've spent studying menus at Mexican resturants really paid off today in Mr. Linehan's Spanish class. Each class begin with a primer on the differences between authentic Mexican and Tex Mex. Fourth period I did an entire half hour comparing and contrasting the merits of Chihuahua cheese with Jack, Cheddar, and Nacho. Then fifth period I explained why Xenophobia is the real reason subtle, sophisticated Mole sauce is overlooked as one of the great sauces in all of world cusine.

Its like some make believe dude said 2000 years ago. Give a child a burrito, feed him for a day. Teach a child how to order a burrito, feed him for a lifetime.

Utility Man. Or, Thats Mr. Oquendo to you.

2006-11-14T09:23:00.000-06:00

Its 9:16am, and in 2 hours I have already subbed in four different classrooms for four different teachers. At this rate, when the last bell rings at 2:18, I will have subbed 14 classrooms for 14 teachers. That may be a record. However, I'd happily settle for as few as 5 different assignments today, so long as one of them is principal, security guard, custodian or lunch lady. Classroom teaching is old news. I need a new challenge. Let me French some Fries already.

Unrelated: A student totally cracked me up yesterday. He was telling me about all his girlfriends in the classroom; Cabneta (he pointed at the cabinet), Pencilla (showed me his pencil) and his best girl Deskiny (hugged his desk).

Authentic Experiences.

2006-11-09T13:29:00.000-06:00

Its no secret that I went to a private highschool, and that the private highschool experience is very different from The Highschool Experience. I never rode the bus. I never brought a sack lunch. I never witnessed an actual fist fight in my entire educational career. We didn't even have a Prom Queen. I might as well have gone from grade school straight to graduate school.

How can a person be expected live normal American life without having ever walked into a school bathroom cloudy with weed smoke, or seeing two girls rip each others weaves out? These experiences are the things that make Americans American. The Highschool Experience is the glue that binds countless disperate individuals into one cohesive nation.

Thats the reason I love subbing so much. Its like getting paid to go to a public highschool; but without any of the responsibilities of being a student. Yesterday I saw a fist fight in the boys bathroom. Today was toasted ravioli day in the cafeteria. Tommorow is Veterans Day (observed).

I don't have any homework and I don't have to grade any homework.

When I was still in school my parents used to tell me that someday, when I had a real job and real responsibilities, I would give anything to be back in school. Well, I am back in school, and I didn't have to give anything. There even paying me to be here.